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I learned yesterday that I'm working with something I wasn't aware of: some sort of sensory processing problem. In Hannah, at least.

Friday, I got really tired of the constant arguments over drinking broth with meals, and declared then and there that all meals would consist of soup until further notice. This doesn't bother me one bit, and Nick was happy to go along. I feel great eating soup (I usually eat two bowls per meal), and it's easy and quick to reheat. Hannah immediately got depressed, which I figured was just stubbornness. But then, she proceeded to only eat maybe two bites at each meal, FOR TWO DAYS. I could tell she was very very hungry, but she would not eat. By Sunday afternoon, it was getting ridiculous, and Nick basically required her to take a few bites. What happened next shocked me: she actually vomited.

I completely understand when people whose kids are autistic or have other complicated problems have to go through the ABA process described in the GAPS book in order to get their kids to eat. My kids have been sick, but there are kids out there far sicker than mine. What I did not realize, is that I'm dealing with some of those types of problems in my kids too.

I can honestly say that I don't remember ever having disliked the flavor or texture of a food to the point of feeling like throwing up. In fact, I feel very little empathy for people who describe those types of feelings. I had to process all of this for awhile with Nick yesterday, because I find myself getting very angry at my kids about this, and even at other adults who tell me "I just have this thing. I can't stand _____." I want to say, "GET OVER IT." This is perhaps not the most loving, understanding response I could have. :) I realized where that comes from though: I have never felt like I had a choice! When I came to nutrition as a 17 year old, I was having grand mal seizures. It was either eat right, or stay on medication that was making me very ill. While other people had the option to nurse their little food pet peeves, eating junk to get them through college, I was learning how to cook because I had to be able to function. And until I was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity years later, I continued to occasionally have seizures anyway!

People regularly talk to me about how hard it seems to eat the way we do, or how they could never do that. I try SO HARD to be understanding, to put myself in their shoes. But it's hard. It reminds me of what the disciples said to Jesus after He taught a particularly difficult message. Many people left Him, and He asked the disciples if they were going to leave too. Their response? "Where else would we go? You have the words of eternal life." Eating this way doesn't equal eternal life, of course, but the idea is the same. What else could I do? What option do I have? I have never seen just dealing with being sick as a choice to make. I have too many things I want to do and experience in this life!

But, while that determination gets me through this time, it can also make me unloving with my kids, especially while doing this diet. It helps that I now understand where my frustration comes from. I'm sure this determination will help others along the way, but I must balance it with love. The whole "speaking the truth in love" thing is a difficult balance at times!

So, where do we go next? Before meals, Hannah must eat one bite of soup, followed by a sunflower seed cracker, which she loves. The next day, it's two bites. The next, three. We'll see how that goes. When we told her this plan she was relieved. She can wrap her mind around a certain number of bites. And I'm working on my empathy. Thankfully, I have a husband who is very kind and understanding - of both sides of this! He understands my frustration, and he understands the kids difficulties. He helps to ground me, on a regular basis. I really think we will make progress this way. And we kind of had to go through the experience we had this weekend, to understand what the "real" issue is. Onward!